How To Piss Off a Train Load of People in Eight Easy Steps.

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I’m on the train to visit my mum for her birthday. Normally I get an early train as there are lots of available seats and a lack of screaming children, but as I’ve had a tough week I decided to have a lie in instead and go in the afternoon.

I’ve written many times about the minor annoyances I have when surrounded by members of the general public – there always seems to be that one person who seems to go out of their way to be as inconsiderate as possible. However, the annoying person on board today is ME – in the last half an hour I have been the biggest pain in the arse for my fellow passengers. Here is how to piss off an entire train load of people in eight easy steps…

1. Bring a large rucksack. Accidentally hit people on their heads with it when walking past.

2. Upon finding a seat, stand on the toe of the person sitting in the adjoining seat.

3. Eat a rather crumbly pasty. Accidentally drop some of your pasty on the bag of the person in the adjoining seat.

4. When rummaging in your rucksack to find your headphones, accidentally elbow the (now clearly agitated) person in the adjoining seat.

5. Decide that you want some water from the train shop. As you have reservations about leaving your rucksack unnattended, bring it with you. Accidentally hit people on the head with it when walking past.

6. Take out money from your pocket on the way to the shop. Trip over a passenger’s bag and throw the money all over the floor. When bending down to pick it up, drop your rucksack on the arm of a young child. Attempt to ignore the evil looks from the child’s mother and apologise profusely when the child starts crying.

7. After returning from the shop, stand on another passengers foot. Accidentally fall on the person in the adjoining seat when the train suddenly wobbles.

And finally…

8. Drink the water. Accidentally choke on it, spitting it over the person next to you and in front of you. Cough like a seal for the next fifteen minutes…

To the passengers sitting on the Edinburgh train… I’m sorry.

71 thoughts on “How To Piss Off a Train Load of People in Eight Easy Steps.”

  3. life without the car, I used to travel from Kingscross to Doncaster once a month while in the raf and your scenario is just how I remember it, but not just me, but a mixture of young service folk and students 🙂

  5. This was awesome; it made me laugh. It’s a humbling experience when you’re that passenger. Hopefully, it makes you slightly more sympathetic to other passengers that are the same way. If it’s not them, trust, you will have your day.

  8. So YOU’re the idiot that ruined my… ha ha! Just kidding. Hope you had a nice time with your mum. 🙂

  9. Pingback: Two Good Two Be True! | CombatBabe

  10. Poor you. Hope that you are now revelling in home. I remember an excruciatingly embarassing situation from Scotalnd to Cornwall, when a caring traveller covered my 3 year-old with her coat and tucked him in as he slept.. on arrival, I scooped up my child and left… then felt the damp patch on his rear end. Her coat must have been soaked..<;

    • Ooh nice!! My friends child didn’t inform him that she had urinated all over the seat in a restaurant until after we got home – Must have been a nice surprise for the next customer!

  14. As you can see I’m working backwards on my bloglog (Backlog of blog reading). I’d have noticed your huuuuuuge backpack and sat well out of your way and while I don’t engage on a social level with fellow travelers, I do like to observe. Youu would have provided me with great entertainment, I’d have been laughing all the way to Edinburgh and beyond! 🙂 So you wouldn’t have pissed everyone off…

  16. Funny! (Because I wasn’t the one being hit in the head with the rucksack.) I’m sure you were just as eager to get off the train as they were!

  17. Edinburgh – of course there is the famous Glasgow joke “I went to Edinburgh once. It only rained twice – once for three days and once for four days”

    • An American gets into a taxi outside Edinburgh airport and says to the driver “Gee does it always rain this hard?”
      The driver replies “I dinna ken I’m only 24”

  18. I’m heading over to the UK in March, and going to Glasgow from London. I’ll be sure to bring your list along and see if I can possibly live up to your excellence lol. In your defence, it’s not easy getting down train aisles with a huge rucksack.. 🙂

  20. Just loved it!
    Travelled from Edinburgh to London in the middle of the year – a long trip full of people so I can just imagine what it would have been like on the train with you!
    By the way I struggled with my luggage and got up and down the whole way – I don’t think I was as big a pain as you, but don’t think I was that good 🙂

    http://www.browney.com

  21. Reblogged this on suzie81's Blog and commented:

    As I am unable to post anything today I thought I would reblog something that I wrote towards the end of last year…

    Don’t forget to check out the winners of my New Year Week 1 competition – their buttons are in my sidebar…

    Have a lovely day!,

  30. I’m at work at a call center right now, and I had to stop making calls due to laughing while reading your post! Wonderful! I think I would have found you entertaining if I were not one of your victims, but a lucky observer.

  31. Hilarious post. 🙂 ….. To piss me off in a train all one needs to do is to lean and repetitively peep into the book/magazine that I am reading. 🙂

  32. I laughed so hard at this…at least I don’t feel so alone in the clumsy department. I have been there, done that…only on a bullet train in Japan. The teacher who was a chaperone for the group of 30 students (it was an exchange trip during summer) found my clumsiness hilarious…As well as my terrible accent when I tried to apologize. The poor passenger I tripped over must have been so confused by my lack of Japanese speaking skills.

  34. Here’s kind of a similar story about relentless bad luck and stupidity in one continuous day… I was thirsty and while drinking in a hurry I spilled some water on the carpet, fearing that my brother would find the carpet wet and be terribly angry, I began ironing the carpet, as expected I burnt a iron-shaped hole in carpet and the disgusting melted carpet stuck to the iron and wouldn’t separate, so I put the iron in water to soak while I moved my mattress to the burnt spot in the carpet, it hid the hole but looked terribly suspicious, I couldn’t sleep the whole night. The next day my brother found out because the iron (which i had finally cleaned) wasn’t working, and also because while I was in school, he moved my mattress to it’s original place. Got a nice spanking that day! I hate my shitty brain, let me know if there are other, better ones for sale!

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